Ever since that wiffleball game ended badly back in 1969 and I had to apologize to the scariest neighbor on the block for my bad language, my life has been filled with challenging conversations. I seem to have a knack for talking with others about hard topics.. You know, the ones we were trained to avoid—politics, sex and religion. And I’d add one more—suicide. I’ve hosted intentional conversations on all of these topics. I find it meaningful and healing to go into these dangerous waters and attempt to help others work through their fears and roadblocks.
My belief is that when we talk about these things, openly and skillfully, it decreases divisions and makes resolution more likely. I also believe healthy, open communication about difficult topics helps minimize mental health problems. Especially now, during these stressful and strange months of Covid-19.
This next part could be triggering if you have been close to a suicide. So read with awareness and be willing to stop at any point….
I know of a mother who after wrestling with post-partum depression after her sixth child (in seven years!!!) she found herself in the garage, with the car on and the door down, thinking about getting out of her pain. She was close to the end. Can you imagine it?
Then, by some miracle she thought of her many small children in the house and changed her mind. She turned the car off and went back to her job of parenting, for at least another 20 years. Maybe more like 60.
I know it is more like 60, because that woman was my mother. And I have gotten her permission to share this part of her story. She is now a mentally healthy, loving and gracious woman. A sage really. And also a person with an amazing sense of humor. I have thanked God many times that she chose life and did not let her pain lead to what would have rocked our family in seismic ways.
Suicide impacts women and men. Women attempt it more often, but men succeed at greater rates than women. In the USA, in 2018, men died by suicide 3.5x more often than women. And construction happens to be one of the top fields that these men come from. Military is the other.
Why? One key element is communication and emotions. It’s too simplistic to say women are willing to share their problems and men tend to bottle them up. But it is true that, for generations, many societies have encouraged men to be “strong” and not admit they’re struggling. And construction attracts strong men. Construction also requires a lot of physical work, which can lead to body pain, which can increase the use of drugs and alcohol. Throw in the temptations that come with travel away from home, depression, broken marriages and isolation and you get a ripe environment for suicide.
We condition boys from a very young age to not express emotion, and men who share feelings may be perceived to be ‘weak’ by other men. We say ‘big boys don’t cry.’ Men seek help for mental health less often.
Suicide rates are equally bad, or worse in other countries, namely England and Australia. In Australia you are six times more likely to die by suicide than by an injury on the job. And in the USA, in construction, more people die by suicide than all other injuries combined!!
We need to make it okay for men to talk about how they’re feeling – and for that to be acknowledged as a sign of strength not weakness.
What can you do?
#1 Make it ok for men (and women) to talk about feelings by talking about your own.
#2 Begin every meeting with a brief check in and ask everyone to say one or two words that describe a feeling they have. Do not accept “ok”, “good” and “fine” as feelings. Dig deeper. Keep it fun.
#3 Take care of your mental health by getting vigorous exercise, or at least a 20 minute walk, every day
#4 Do what I did and take the pledge: https://
These are challenging times for everyone, not only men. So, do what you can to take care of your own needs so that you may be of service to others in need. Reaching out to people who are near you, and showing concern is one of the best ways to forget your own troubles.
Email me for a conversation about any of this. I can support you in doing the right and often difficult things you need to do.
“May God keep you safe, until the word of your life is fully spoken.” Margaret Fuller