This Thanksgiving it is possible someone will make a comment about something other than the football game or the quality of the pumpkin pie. Maybe even the recent election. This could be challenging. We are living in highly polarized times, and even the most skillful communicators are challenged when people who voted differently gather around the same table.
Photo by Agence Producteurs Locaux Damien Kühn on Unsplash
We may feel triggered by a comment someone makes. I invite you to modulate the tendency to react–to yell, throw food or maybe raise an eyebrow as we might do here in Minnesota, frightening! The key is to not let your reptilian brain run the show.
How do you do that? A regular practice of meditation can help you stay calm. Diaphragmatic breathing is always useful. A natural gift for facilitation wouldn’t hurt. Throwing mashed potatoes at them might feel good, for about 10 seconds. But it won’t end well.
Here is one more idea: become curious about their point of view. Work harder to understand them than to express your own values. I know this is hard. Because, in that moment they appear somewhat or fully dim-witted, when it comes to right and wrong. And you have been enlightened. Right?
Curiosity is a possibility for everyone. But how to do it with that relative who drives you nuts with their political choices? I can think of two ways: the harder way and the easier way.
The harder way is this: forgive those who have hurt you so that your hot buttons melt away and you no longer react so strongly to their (dumb) ideas. Part of the reason we react is our own person pain and our attachment to our stories of suffering. Deal with your own emotions that get activated when someone has different values and preferences; accept them for who they are with all of their imperfections; realize you are the pain-in-the-rear for someone else, just as they are for you; and after listening and engaging them, be willing to speak your truth to them, calmly. Oh, I know this is NOT easy, because I have done it.
The easier way is this: take three deep breaths, from your diaphragm, before opening your mouth, count them out, silently; look at them, in the eyes, and find something to appreciate, maybe the color of their sweater, or their command of the English language (judgment and appreciation can’t easily live in the same moment); tell them one thing you are grateful for, about them; and then ask them a few questions about the values and history underneath their comments. “What are the values behind your belief about that…?” or “Tell me more about how you came to understand that…”.
I know we all have times when family drives us crazy, just as we have times when we feel inexpressible love for them. Do not let politics of our day make you forget your love for your family and friends at this time of year.
I am grateful for all the support I’ve received from my family and friends this year. It has been pure joy to perform stand-up comedy as Fr. Vito Incognido again recently in Minneapolis. If you have not seen a show, check out this 14 min clip. Laughter is always helpful for generating positive hormones and reducing stress.
May this note you find you choosing curiosity and gratitude, along with your mashed potatoes. May you be a source of love and healing.
And if you do a conversational experiment this Thanksgiving will you please check in with me and let me know how it went?
Thanks-giving. Not potato-throwing.
Reach out for help if there is a food fight at home or work: 651-600-0096.
Tom Esch